Dear Mahmud,Here's an artist's rendering of what the letter may look like.
Shalom! Just kidding! How are things?
Thank you for your kind congratulatory words after my crushing defeat the Evil One, George W. Bush. If the media over here weren't completely infatuated with me, a letter like that might have been disastrous. But don't worry. Nobody even heard about it.
As you know, I recently stated that I hoped our two nations could regain the strong relationship we had "20 or 30 years ago" when I gave an interview on Al-Arabiya. I just wanted to apologize for that comment seeing as almost exactly 20 years ago, you purposely mined the USS Samuel B. Roberts which took it out of commission for over a year. This event forced us to attack you with overwhelming force in order to make sure something like that didn't happen again.
Rest assured we do not want to go back to our relationship as it was 20 years ago.
Of course the other option I gave in the interview was to go back to our relationship 30 years ago. As you and I are both aware, exactly 30 years ago, your great nation was at war with Iraq, and the United States supported Iraq during this conflict. I, again, misspoke, but I believe if we work together, we can somehow blame those [censored] Jews for that. Am I right? :)
So, clearly, we do not want to go back to that time.
It's time for us to turn over a new leaf, Mahmud. We, here in the United States, have been on the right side of morality far too long and would like to come over to your side where hating Jewish people is okay and denying the holocaust is common place.
Where women are given equal rights to all creatures that belong in a barnyard.
Where the only technology that is desirable is that which will wipe Israel off the map.
So please call off your three proxy wars you are currently fighting with us and Israel and I'll pull out of Iraq and declare peace in the Middle East. When I get the Nobel Prize like Jimmy Carter and Yasser Arafat did, I'll be happy to split the credit with you.
So as you develop nuclear missiles, rest assured we will not be able to respond, should you choose to use one on say, Tel Aviv or Jerusalem.
But can't we just be friends, Mahmud?
Really I just need things to calm down a bit until say 2017 or so, then I don't care what you do.
Obama better hurry because the Iranian Postal Service may have trouble getting it into Ahmadinejad's hands before February 14!
But contrast, for a moment, this approach to foreign affairs and how Ronald Reagan accomplished things. Reagan developed defensive and offensive military systems in order to compete with Russia during the cold war. Democrats at the time said that Reagan, himself, was instigating World War III.
Barack Obama has already vowed to dismantle our weapons systems and to slow the production of future systems. It was policies like these that Bill Clinton used which allowed the bombings of the USS Cole and the World Trade Center in 1993 to go unchallenged.
Ahmadinejad has already expressed the desire to see our ally, Israel, destroyed and is openly supportive of Hezbollah in Lebanon, Hamas in Palestine, and is suspected of funding and supplying the insurgency in Iraq.
Obama's solution is to mail Iran a letter to ease tensions between the two countries.
But, if you recall, Reagan did send a message to Russia. It was not one that was designed to befriend our enemy or to smooth-over relations, however. It was designed as a challenge to the Soviets to take a step in the right direction.
He addressed Premier Gorbachev directly saying, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
And listen they did.
And THAT was change we could believe in.